I was talking to Ry today about a certain topic.

As many of you know, I've struggled with mental health issues throughout my life.  It really started in high school--10th grade maybe?  That's when I remember it the most vividly.  I haven't ever been diagnosed with anything but gernal "depression."  I don't know if it's more than that or less than that, but it's something.  I've felt at times that I may have bipolar disorder.  I don't know what else. 

I started taking anti-depressants my freshman year of college.  I thought then that my depression was maybe situational or something, because my dad was sick, I was away from home and couldn't do anything about my dad, and I was too immature to be at college (although I never could have made that determination at the time).

As time went on though, and things got "better" (it's been a rough decade--lots of deaths and such), the funk didn't dissipate.  As I've gotten older, its really only gotten worse.  I can tell now when the "crazies" are sinking in.  Last fall I felt it coming on, and I talked to my doctor and we readjusted the medication.  It happened this summer, too, and we readjusted yet again.  I don't know how to explain how it feels when the "crazies" seep in.  This summer I just had a day where I bawled.  Nonstop.  For no good reason.  It was around the time of year when my dad died, so I don't know if that's what did it, or what.  But the fact of the matter is that the chemicals in my brain don't do what they're supposed to, and they probably never will.

I had a talk with my doctor the last time I was there about these medications and pregnancy.  No that that is going to happen for a while, but I was concerned about the medications I take and how they would affect and unborn child.  She told me I basically can't take any of my medications.  Not the diabetic medication, not the meds for my triglycerides, not my antidepressant.  If I'm still diabetic when we get pregnant, I'll need to take insulin.  The Tricor will just not be taken.  Frankly, it's the antidepressant that frightens me the most.  With hormone changes, the worry, and the general panic I can imagine myself feeling, I don't know that I could handle a pregnancy without antidepressants.  There is one antidepressant I can take that is NOT harmful to an unborn child, but the doctor doesn't seem to think I'll need it, although I don't know that I trust that prediction at all.

She also said that I'll have to bottle feed a baby, too, because I'll have to go right back on my antidepressant as soon as the umbilical cord is cut.  I'm still pumping.  I can't afford to not take off the weight that breastfeeding usually affords.

That isn't the issue though, really.  I know someone who has severe mental health issues and has a fairly high pressure job.  This lady has had several "breakdowns" over the past several years.  I don't know exactly what these breakdowns entail, but they generally render her unable to do her job.  I don't know if her job is the cause of these breakdowns or not, and that's not the point, either.  This person has had another "breakdown."  And her husband allows her to continue to do this job, and continue on with life as it is.  I don't understand that.  I don't understand it at all.

Ry and I talked tonight about mental health.  We know that MY particular job is stressful.  I told him tonight that if teaching ever made me completely lose my mind, that he needs to put his foot down and say "no! You're not doing that anymore."  My health is more important than teaching, and although lots of teachers don't seem to think that, it is.  I would do the same for him.  This family, us, we're more important than any job we could ever have.  If it wasn't work, and it was something else, I would expect us to work together to rid our life of the stressor that's making life not worth living.