This is going to be whiney.  So if you can't handle that, you can just move along your merry way.

I'm fat.  Like...morbidly obese fat.  And I'm just sick of it, really.  I don't *FEEL* bad, in fact, I think for my weight and height, I'm pretty healthy.  I think lots of that has to do with age, though--I only turn 28 coming up in two weeks here.  This weight that I'm carrying will have long-term ramifications if I don't get it down.  My Type 2 diabetes will only continue to get worse, my cardiovascular system will crash at some point, and my fertility will more than likely be further compromised (like my ovaries aren't gnarled enough the way it is).  And to be perfectly frank with you, I'm just tired of being ugly.  I don't know that losing weight will even make me feel okay-looking.  I think I'm counting on a lot more happening with me on the inside when stuff happens on the outside, that probably won't really happen.  I probably shouldn't do that.

Anyway, since I got back from Minnesota, and especially the past few days, I've been hitting the exercise hard.  I went with Ry on his route today, but after supper tonight I wanted to do a little experiment, so I went for a walk.  We had sloppy joes and french fries for supper tonight.  I had maybe a handful of fries and I used 1 bun for my sloppy joes.  I probably was at 45 carbs, which is my limit for a meal, but I'm not sure.  I rested for about an hour after we ate, and then I went for my walk.  I wanted to see if my liver did a glucose dump, so I took my blood sugar before I went and it was at 142.  A little high, but not too bad.  So I walked for 52 minutes, according to my pedometer, and I went 5520 steps, which is pushing three miles.  When I walk I usually use little 2 lb. hand weights and pump my arms like crazy, and probably half of my route today was uphill, and I was going at a pretty brisk pace.  I got home, took a quick shower to cool down, and took my sugar, which was 112.  So my liver DIDN'T dump.  That's good.  Sometimes though, when I test before and after exercise, my sugar is higher than it was before I started, and then I know my liver got rid of a bunch of glucose, and I don't want that to happen.  I think that generally happens on days when I consume too many carbs all around.  The most carb-rich thing I had today was a very small ice cream cone when we got home from the truck today, and I hadn't eaten anything for five hours prior to that so I was probably at a reasonable blood sugar to start with.

So, I'm trying to eat better and I'm trying to exercise more.  I can't believe I gained ten pounds when I was in Minnesota.  Part of my problem is, too, that I'm completely impatient.  I want to be able to tell that SOMETHING'S happening within my body that is showing some sort of improvement.  I'll say this at the least:  I can't wait for the day when my thighs don't touch any longer.  I know that's a pretty stupid goal, but...I can't remember a time when they didn't.  So that's what I'm working towards.

Another thing is, I'm just lonely.  All of my friends are teachers, and they all live in the town where I teach, and they all have families and other friends to hang out with.  I'm here.  And when Ry's gone, it's me, the cats, the internet, and Lifetime and TLC television all day long.  I would LOVE to get more involved with the church that we go to, but I don't like arguing with Ry about going every Sunday, either.  And it's not like I don't love my husband or my pets...I just feel like something is missing...

*sighs*

Deadliest Catch is on.  Maybe some cute fisherboys will help me feel better.